I'm Here With You

I can not believe the burdens the soul is capable of enduring, and still manages to crawl out of the darkness into the light towards nothing more than a whisper saying "I'm here with you". That it can be tortured, beaten, bruised, broken, left for dead... and you still carry on. I seriously use to be one of those women who thought less of the women who were struggling enough with their emotions that they needed medication for help. I thought of them as weak, I'm not going to lie. I figured that they should just be able to move on in their life from whatever the problem was. Hello reality check! I can't believe how ignorant I was. I'm so sorry to anyone who I was less than respectful or accepting towards for this. The stress has gotten to be so much for me to handle that I am going on monday to get put on some medications. You know that point you get to when you start to actually believe that it would be so much easier if you were no longer in your earthly body? If you say no, and you're here having gone through what I've gone through, then I would call you a liar. If I wasn't such a strong willed person that TRULY believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't get into heaven if I committed suicide... I'd probably be gone a long time ago. I can honestly say that I'm scared of going to hell, of being seperated from the Lord for ETERNITY. More than that, I'm scared that I'd never get to really meet Preston, never get to hold him, or kiss him, or be with him forever. No way, I'd never risk that. He's my whispering voice saying "I'm here with you" as I'm trying to claw my way out. When I come home from a job where I work with people who have what I could not and they treat them like trash, abuse them, molest them, and neglect them and they don't care, to all the stress I have at home waiting for me. To my 2 bedroom apartment that I live in with my sister and grandfather who has terminal lung cancer who I care for. To find that the apartment I was forced to move into because I couldn't afford my rent as a single mom when I went on bedrest for 2 months fighting to save Preston that put my world into complete disarray and now having no personal space. To my recently handicapped dog that has had an accident in my room and being that he can't use his back legs has drug feces all across the floor and is covered in it. To finding my sister forgot to change our grandfather before she left the apartment and now he has had an accident so big that the recliner chair is soaked and there is diarrhea involved. To being exhausted from work, feet hurting, mentally drained, and then having to come home, squeeze the dog (literally... he can't urinate on his own anymore), feed him, change and clean up my grandfather, feed him, give him his pills, get everything set up next to where he sits/lays so that I can FINALLY lay down and try and go to sleep. To having LOTS of people around when I was laid up in bed for months, but as soon as I'm able to go back to work (which I did way to soon) are hard to find. To no one wanting to speak his name anymore. To still not forgiving myself, as hard as I'm trying, for thinking its somehow my fault. To just wanting to give up... and then hearing my little man saying "I'm here with you". So I get up, go to the house of my Lord, and give it all up. To be able to breathe again with the burdens lifted. He takes it... He takes ALL of it. Every emotion I've got, without hesitation, He'll take it from me. There I get to just be the me that I really am, the weak, sad, angry, hopless, empty armed mother. I don't have to pretend to be strong, or funny, or ok. I can't say that I always feel empowered, cause sometimes that's just to big. I can say that I always feel... soothed. Like cool water over a burning wound. Where would I be without you? I LOVE the Lord! I'm so glad tomorrow is my day... it's been a rough week if you can't tell. Thankfully, thoughts of Preston playing with all his friends, laughing like children do, being the silly little man I know he is have eased my mind. I know he's waiting for me, that he hears me when I sing to him, and he knows it's not time just yet. How could I not praise the one who chose me to be his mother? He's changed my life...no, he's saved my life.

In His Hands,
Ashley