Dear Preston

My Darling Baby Boy,
Today was another rough day without you. I think that for the rest of my life I'll always hate the 17th, doesn't matter what month but the number 17 is forever imprinted into my very soul and with that number comes the most immense pain I've ever had to endure. Not physical pain, but the emotional kind that just rips the soul away from the body. It exhausts me just thinking about how it's going to be for the rest of my life. Even a few days before and after the 17th are still painful, but that 17th is like s pin prick right through the heart. I'll never enjoy St. Patrick's Day. I started my morning, the way I always do... with my inspirational singing and dancing in the shower. I sing to you there... every day. I sing to myself and to the Lord I suppose too, but its mostly for you cause I know in some distant place, wherever you're playing that you stop and listen. Oh how music uplifts my soul in even the darkest of moods. I'm positive that the Lord had me in mind when he created music.... good music, God praising music. When I feel all alone, or like I can't go on... when I'm begging God to take me from this place, take me to wherever you are because I don't want to be here if you're not here... he gives me music. Music and church. Here's the thing I'm learning about our Father...once you're in tune with him, He WILL NOT be ignored when he's trying to tell you something. After I got done with my shower I sat down at my computer to read my verse of the day. It was 2 Samuel 22:17-20: "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me." I read through it a couple times and thought to my self 'yeah, right'. Where is he now then? I'm DROWNING in my deep waters, satan has a tight grip on my ankle pulling me down and no matter how hard i fight or kick or swim I keep on drowning. So I shut off the computer and went to work, and on the drive in I had a conversation with the Lord expressing my discontent with my current situations and that I needed a hand out of the darkness. I assumed I was done with the conversation when I arrived at my destination (the jail) and went on about my way. I then learned very early on in the night that the Lord was not done speaking to me. First example was when I was doing our medication pass and I had to take meds to a particular inmate and when I asked them what they were reading in the Bible they told me they were reading "2nd Samuel". Hmmmmm? Ok, a little ironic but not creepy. Then I had a conversation with a woman with who began to ask me about the church I attended and said she was looking to find a church to attend since she was new in town and noramlly people don't approach me about going to church and here was a big kicker... I was standing in the grocery market after I got off work when I was approached by a man that I had taken a class with last year and hadn't seen since then and his name was Preston. We caught up on our lives and I told him about my recent catastrophic lost and how I have been seeking the Lord for comfort ever since. He then began to tell me about his life... things that i did not know. Not only did I learn that he was adopted when he was a child but that the woman that adopted him not only brought his biological mother to Jesus when she was pregnant and comtemplating abortion being so young and single but supported a healthy relationship with her his entire life. He owed his whole life to this woman who loved the Lord with her whole being and now because of her he feels like he has two very healthy, happy, successful mothers.

Ok... I get it, I get it! My work here isn't done. Maybe I just have to sink a little deeper to the bottom so that I can use the rock to push myself back up toward the surface to breathe again. I can't wait for church tomorrow night... ugh, I so need to be home again. Well baby, I need to get some rest now so please come play with me in my dreams cause I'll be waiting there for you like I always do. I love you more than the word love can do justice and I miss you more than anyone could imagine.

I'll be seeing you soon,
Mommy