A Night At The Movies

Hey Ya'll,
Just thought I'd write a quick something before I go to work tonight. I just realized something last night when I went to the theater and watched "Remember Me" which has a pretty sweet twist at the end that I didn't see coming at all! SPOILER ALERT!!!! I can't believe it's been almost 10 years since 9-11. I remember being in high school in my second period US History class (ironic I know) when they turned the TV's on and we watched the news. Seems like just yesterday but it's been almost a decade. Next September. I wonder what they are going to do for a 10 year rememberance of all the lives that were lost that day? I can't believe we've been fight a war, in my opinion we should have stopped fighting a long time ago, for almost 10 years! I just feel so old now! I can see how people feel when they talk about the history they lived through. How nostalgic they get about the "well, back in my day...". I have to admit, I do that sometimes now, that's how you know you're getting older. I recommend this movie to everyone. Its a little slow going at first, but it gets pretty good by the end.

On a side note, I went to my doctor this afternoon, and she agreed that I needed to be put on some medications, even if it's just for a little while. So I'm gettin Zoloft. I'm starting on a very small dose, but we'll see how it goes. I'll keep you all updated. Well, I better get going to work tonight...should be interesting. See ya soon!

In His Hands,
Ashley

I'm Here With You

I can not believe the burdens the soul is capable of enduring, and still manages to crawl out of the darkness into the light towards nothing more than a whisper saying "I'm here with you". That it can be tortured, beaten, bruised, broken, left for dead... and you still carry on. I seriously use to be one of those women who thought less of the women who were struggling enough with their emotions that they needed medication for help. I thought of them as weak, I'm not going to lie. I figured that they should just be able to move on in their life from whatever the problem was. Hello reality check! I can't believe how ignorant I was. I'm so sorry to anyone who I was less than respectful or accepting towards for this. The stress has gotten to be so much for me to handle that I am going on monday to get put on some medications. You know that point you get to when you start to actually believe that it would be so much easier if you were no longer in your earthly body? If you say no, and you're here having gone through what I've gone through, then I would call you a liar. If I wasn't such a strong willed person that TRULY believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't get into heaven if I committed suicide... I'd probably be gone a long time ago. I can honestly say that I'm scared of going to hell, of being seperated from the Lord for ETERNITY. More than that, I'm scared that I'd never get to really meet Preston, never get to hold him, or kiss him, or be with him forever. No way, I'd never risk that. He's my whispering voice saying "I'm here with you" as I'm trying to claw my way out. When I come home from a job where I work with people who have what I could not and they treat them like trash, abuse them, molest them, and neglect them and they don't care, to all the stress I have at home waiting for me. To my 2 bedroom apartment that I live in with my sister and grandfather who has terminal lung cancer who I care for. To find that the apartment I was forced to move into because I couldn't afford my rent as a single mom when I went on bedrest for 2 months fighting to save Preston that put my world into complete disarray and now having no personal space. To my recently handicapped dog that has had an accident in my room and being that he can't use his back legs has drug feces all across the floor and is covered in it. To finding my sister forgot to change our grandfather before she left the apartment and now he has had an accident so big that the recliner chair is soaked and there is diarrhea involved. To being exhausted from work, feet hurting, mentally drained, and then having to come home, squeeze the dog (literally... he can't urinate on his own anymore), feed him, change and clean up my grandfather, feed him, give him his pills, get everything set up next to where he sits/lays so that I can FINALLY lay down and try and go to sleep. To having LOTS of people around when I was laid up in bed for months, but as soon as I'm able to go back to work (which I did way to soon) are hard to find. To no one wanting to speak his name anymore. To still not forgiving myself, as hard as I'm trying, for thinking its somehow my fault. To just wanting to give up... and then hearing my little man saying "I'm here with you". So I get up, go to the house of my Lord, and give it all up. To be able to breathe again with the burdens lifted. He takes it... He takes ALL of it. Every emotion I've got, without hesitation, He'll take it from me. There I get to just be the me that I really am, the weak, sad, angry, hopless, empty armed mother. I don't have to pretend to be strong, or funny, or ok. I can't say that I always feel empowered, cause sometimes that's just to big. I can say that I always feel... soothed. Like cool water over a burning wound. Where would I be without you? I LOVE the Lord! I'm so glad tomorrow is my day... it's been a rough week if you can't tell. Thankfully, thoughts of Preston playing with all his friends, laughing like children do, being the silly little man I know he is have eased my mind. I know he's waiting for me, that he hears me when I sing to him, and he knows it's not time just yet. How could I not praise the one who chose me to be his mother? He's changed my life...no, he's saved my life.

In His Hands,
Ashley

My Baby Blue

Hey Ya'll,
Just thought I'd post the lyrics to "My Baby Blue" by Dave Matthews Band which I think is an amazing song for mothers to stillborn sons. I listen to this song many times throughout the day and in some strange way... it helps me. Hope you like it.

My Baby Blue:

Confess, your kiss still knocks me off my legs.
The first time I saw you was like a punch right through my chest
and I will forever, ‘cause you’ll forever be
my one true broken heart, pieces inside of me
and you’ll forever, my baby be.

You will rest your head, your strength once saving.
And when you wake you will fly away,
holding tight to the legs of all your angels.
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,
your blue, blue world, you're my baby blue.

Confess I'm not quite ready to be left.
Still, I know I gave my level best.
You give, you give, to this I can attest
You made me, you made me.
You and me forever, baby.

You will rest your head, your strength once saving.
And when you wake you will fly away,
holding tight to the legs of all your angels.
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,
in your blue, blue world, you and me forever.

You will rest your head, your strength once saving.
And when you wake you will fly away,
holding tight to the legs of all your angels.
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,
in your blue, blue world, you and me forever.


In His Hands,
Ashley

Faith Is...

Here is a little thing that I found about faith that I thought I'd share. I really like this and hope you all do too.

Faith

Faith is dead to doubts—
dumb to discouragements,
blind to impossibilities,
knows nothing but success.
Faith lifts its hand up through
the threatening clouds,
lays hold of Him who has
all power in heaven and on earth.
Faith makes the uplook good,
the outlook bright,
the inlook favorable,
and the future glorious.



In His Hands,
Ashley

Praise You In This Storm

I'm sitting here listening to "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns(which I suggest everyone check out), thinking about my life these days. How much my life has changed even in the last couple years, and more profoundly these last few months. Lots of big changes and lots of epiphanies, finding myself all over again. All the things I thought I knew... well, I was wrong. How I'm learning that I need to praise God even during the storm, however cliche that sounds. Psalm 57:1 "Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in thee my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of thy wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by."
When I think back to when I was 15 and what I thought my life would be like now, 10 years later... this is NOT what I thought it would be like. I thought I'd be married, have kids, have a degree, be successful in both my professional career and my home, which I would own one, and just be genuinely happy. What a plan God had in store for me huh? How much would of it would I have done differently had I known what it would be like now? Guess I can't say because I don't know where I'm heading yet. I have to believe that it's all for some devine purpose that I just can't understand yet. That's the only way I get through most days. I can't believe that I was meant to be alone my whole life, never married, my only child is in Heaven, living with my terminally ill grandfather to care for him, no degree, not really successful by any of my standards, working every day just to get by. This is my storm...and its still raining.



Church yesterday was amazing and totally inspiring as usual. I love how that no matter what problems arise for me during the week, they always seem to be addressed by The Almighty on my favorite day of the week... church day. What's an example, Ashley? One might ask. Well for instance when I pray I usually ask God to send me someone, a man who tries to walk in His ways, that wants the same things in life that I do. That I'm tired of being lonely, and having to go through the things that I go through alone. Don't I deserve that someone to fulfill the desires I have for a future and a family? To this day... that prayer is still unanswered, but just yesterday my minister (who I swear was looking right at me when he said this) told the congregation that once you get right with the one that really matters, walk in His light and live the life He wants you to live... He'll bring you the one you're supposed to be with. Crazy huh? That this particular subject has been weighing on my mind this week and this is how it gets addressed. I guess that means I need to stop worrying about it, focus on me and the things I need to do to heal and move forward in my spiritual growth and the things I want in life and He'll bring him to me...
God is GOOD. God IS good.

Father give me the strength to get through today, and the courage to try again tomorrow.

In His Hands,
Ashley

Dear Preston

My Darling Baby Boy,
Today was another rough day without you. I think that for the rest of my life I'll always hate the 17th, doesn't matter what month but the number 17 is forever imprinted into my very soul and with that number comes the most immense pain I've ever had to endure. Not physical pain, but the emotional kind that just rips the soul away from the body. It exhausts me just thinking about how it's going to be for the rest of my life. Even a few days before and after the 17th are still painful, but that 17th is like s pin prick right through the heart. I'll never enjoy St. Patrick's Day. I started my morning, the way I always do... with my inspirational singing and dancing in the shower. I sing to you there... every day. I sing to myself and to the Lord I suppose too, but its mostly for you cause I know in some distant place, wherever you're playing that you stop and listen. Oh how music uplifts my soul in even the darkest of moods. I'm positive that the Lord had me in mind when he created music.... good music, God praising music. When I feel all alone, or like I can't go on... when I'm begging God to take me from this place, take me to wherever you are because I don't want to be here if you're not here... he gives me music. Music and church. Here's the thing I'm learning about our Father...once you're in tune with him, He WILL NOT be ignored when he's trying to tell you something. After I got done with my shower I sat down at my computer to read my verse of the day. It was 2 Samuel 22:17-20: "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me." I read through it a couple times and thought to my self 'yeah, right'. Where is he now then? I'm DROWNING in my deep waters, satan has a tight grip on my ankle pulling me down and no matter how hard i fight or kick or swim I keep on drowning. So I shut off the computer and went to work, and on the drive in I had a conversation with the Lord expressing my discontent with my current situations and that I needed a hand out of the darkness. I assumed I was done with the conversation when I arrived at my destination (the jail) and went on about my way. I then learned very early on in the night that the Lord was not done speaking to me. First example was when I was doing our medication pass and I had to take meds to a particular inmate and when I asked them what they were reading in the Bible they told me they were reading "2nd Samuel". Hmmmmm? Ok, a little ironic but not creepy. Then I had a conversation with a woman with who began to ask me about the church I attended and said she was looking to find a church to attend since she was new in town and noramlly people don't approach me about going to church and here was a big kicker... I was standing in the grocery market after I got off work when I was approached by a man that I had taken a class with last year and hadn't seen since then and his name was Preston. We caught up on our lives and I told him about my recent catastrophic lost and how I have been seeking the Lord for comfort ever since. He then began to tell me about his life... things that i did not know. Not only did I learn that he was adopted when he was a child but that the woman that adopted him not only brought his biological mother to Jesus when she was pregnant and comtemplating abortion being so young and single but supported a healthy relationship with her his entire life. He owed his whole life to this woman who loved the Lord with her whole being and now because of her he feels like he has two very healthy, happy, successful mothers.

Ok... I get it, I get it! My work here isn't done. Maybe I just have to sink a little deeper to the bottom so that I can use the rock to push myself back up toward the surface to breathe again. I can't wait for church tomorrow night... ugh, I so need to be home again. Well baby, I need to get some rest now so please come play with me in my dreams cause I'll be waiting there for you like I always do. I love you more than the word love can do justice and I miss you more than anyone could imagine.

I'll be seeing you soon,
Mommy

2 Months Yesterday

Well I made it through yesterday... it was tough and I'm kinda glad I had to work because it took my mind of the fact that its been 2 months since I lost you. I probably would have slept the whole day away otherwise. You should be 2 months old today Pres, and you're not here... but I am. No mother is supposed to outlive her child. I opened my phone several times today just to look at your beautiful face that is my wallpaper and I miss you so much today... I miss you everday, but to know that today you'd be 2 months old today makes me have a big wad in my throat and I have to choke back tears just thinking about it. I needed church today so bad, but there wasn't any anywhere. Being in the Lord's house gives me peace, a peace that I haven't been able to find anywhere else. I can go into his house with any feeling I'm having, whether it's sad or angry or furious or disgusted, or ashamed... and he makes it all better. I've heard so many stories like this where I've heard people talking about how God healed their very broken life once they found him and I just sort of took it with a grain of salt.... but I really think that the whole point of Preston going to be with the Lord, was to bring me closer to him. I've been lost for a while now, just left wandering... looking for something and never found it but having Preston push me into his grace...I couldn't help but find it. My pastor told me just recently one of our last sundays that sometimes it takes something big for us to change our ways... well, here it is. I attend church religiously and am the person that people now see as the one they can go to with questions about church. Who would have thought? Me... the one people would look to for religious advice or for prayer. That was all Preston. He's my angel for sure. I wish I knew what the bigger plan was, why he had to go so soon. Even if it was just a glimpse just to know that he was ok and that there was a reason for it. That's all I want. I guess I have my dreams. I look forward to them every night... to be able to ses my beautiful, perfect son with me. In my dreams everything is perfect. In my dreams he is there. I love you Preston, and I miss you with all my being. I can't wait to be with you... can not wait. Please watch over me and give me the strength to go on again tomorrow just like you did today. I'll be seeing you soon baby.

Welcome

Well I guess this is a welcome to me. A place to finally open up about things that are going on in my life that are a bit overwhelming to say the least. For anyone who might read this let me first introduce myself. My name is Ashley. I'm 25 yrs old and a mother to an angel. I work as a paramedic, I've been one for 6 years now. I've had a heck of a ride these past... lets say 2 years. In the past 2 years I've had 2 miscarriages, one at 6 weeks and one at 7... barely knew I was pregnant obviously, but still struggling with infertility. I was told that I would not be able to concieve children naturally without assistance in some way or another. Then, SUPRISE! After months of thinking that I had the most severe acid reflux in the world, sicker than a dog, having several tests done, and scheduling a reconstructive surgery on my stomach for the extreme reflux they find out I'm 12 weeks pregnant! Whoa, kinda changes things a big I'd say...I was recently single after about 8 months, so that was an akward conversation to say the least, and uh least was his response. First reaction was asking me to abort or adopt. Yeah, right. So I knew right where he stood from the beginning. Looks like I'm going this one alone...well not TOTALLY alone. Me and my little bean:)Little did I know how much that little man would change me into a woman... a real woman. Not some fake woman who just kinda fumbles her way through life, following whoever will lead her, having no real faith in anything, drinking to much, smoking to much, living in the ungodly way for sure. I learned to lean on those that love me, trust in the Lord, forgive myself, forgive others for their stupidness too, have the courage to get up out of bed everyday and go into the world for him, and wait patiently for the day to come when Pres will meet me at the gates. What a sweet day that will be. Funny thing, that even though I'm so angry with God most days the only real peace I have is 1 hr a week when I'm sitting in His house. So welcome to my journey...welcome.

The Not So Time Of My Life

I never thought that I could ever know what it felt like to have my beating heart ripped out of my chest, not like Indiana Jones style, but to be breathing heavily hearing your heart pounding in your ears and someone reaches in and snatches it out of your chest...and it stops. You're supposed to die after your heart is ripped out of your chest, but I don't. I wake up...every single day. Thats the best way that I know how to describe how I feel knowing that I'm here and Preston is not. Ya know, I had a lot of hopes and dreams and things that I wanted to do, no NEEDED to do before I ever had children. Things that would make my life feel more complete and make me more satisfied before I settled down and gave it all up to raise a child. None of those things had happened to me when I found out about him. I was recently single, just getting rolling in my career, and enjoying having no accountablility. Now, I would give it all up in a microsecond to have him here. But I can't. He's gone. I just don't know how a God that I love so much could take something like this away from me? Just cause I didn't feel ready doesn't mean I didn't want him with every ounce of my being!!! If you loved me how could you let me hurt like this??!
When is it going to get better?

Trusting Him,
Ashley

Preston and his teddy

"Wherever they go, and whatever happens to them on the way, in that enchanted place on the top of the forest, a little boy and his Bear will always be playing." - Winnie The Pooh.

Preston's Heart

Preston's heart

This is the plaster mold that my nurse suprised me with. It was whole body cast to remember all of him!

Here's the start of something big...

March 16th, 2010.
Hey Ya'll,
I have had such and OVERWHELMING response of supporters from the groups I have been a part of and have been posting on both before and after I lost Preston, and so I'm going to start blogging everyday, no matter how much or how short, for both theraputic reason for myself but to hopefully be able to inspire people. I am a Christian woman and something I have struggled with and continue to struggle with is my faith after all this. I have had the pleasure of reading several blogs of women who are trying to get pregnant, are dealing with miscarriages or infertility, are currently pregnant, having complications, or have just given birth. I however haven't found many about the struggles AFTER going through all of that and having a still birth. Seems like it's a hush hush thing that no one wants to blog about or it'll make them less of a woman, less of a Christian by saying that they are angry at God. That's what I'm hoping to do...give women, like me, someplace to go to read about me. To read about my struggle with my faith and how having Preston has changed my life forever.
This is how it all started. My first documented accounts that I recopied and pasted the first two for a recap of the first couple weekes of the most traumatic thing I'll ever have had to experience for the rest of my life. The start of the events that have forever changed the coarse of my life. So here is the story.

Dec 26th, 2009
The day after Christmas I woke up in the afternoon to a big gush of fluid. Upon evaluation at the hospital they stated "everything looks normal" and were about to discharge me home... and even allow me to return to work that night. I advised the perinatologist that i was leaking currently while laying on the table and low and behold to his surprise when i got up the soaker pad was full of fluid. Of coarse they admitted me for the night for observation to draw my labs, monitor my son's heartbeat and to repeat the ultrasound in the morning. I continued to leak throughout the night despite the catheter which was placed to make sure it wasn't urine. In the morning is when the bomb dropped. My son who was originally head down with plenty of fluid was now breech with NO fluid. The perinatologist (who obviously wasn't a christian man) advised me that there was basically no hope and to believe in a miracle was like believing in a crystal ball or magic. He told me that my son has a 1 in 100 chance to survive being he has no fluid and is breech. He suggested in his own subtle way that inducing to deliver would be the most appropriate step to take but would allow me the night to ponder what I wanted to do. After much prayer and talks with my mother I decided to continue the pregnancy. Being a person in the medical profession I know what the risks are including hypoplastic lungs and severe contractions from no fluid, but I also am a woman of God and believe that through him all things are possible. If my son does in fact die I will know and be able to tell him when I stand before him and the Lord on my judgement day that I did everything possible and he was just meant to be with the Lord and my other 2 children. They advised me that I would continue to leak all my fluid out and would probably go into labor within 48 hrs of my water breaking. With many prayers and tears he's still here 5 days later. I'm on complete bedrest, up only to quickly shower and pee... that's it. I'm also happy to say that in the last 24 hours I have not had any fluid leakage. I have my next ultrasound on monday and it'll be weekly dr visits after that. I'm praying that I have retained some amniotic fluid and I can rejoice in having something (no matter how small) happen to encourage hope. They told me if I can make it to 28 weeks and keep a little fluid for him to develope his lungs in that he might actually survive. I've got 7 weeks to go! Please keep me and my son in your prayers. I can use all I can get.

Jan 4th, 2010.
I just want to say first thanks so much for the overwhelming support and prayers. You ladies are all amazing! Just thought I'd give a little update since I had my first doctor's appointment today after my membranes ruptured. I switched doctors to a very nice woman who is much more positive. She's very hopeful but also very up front about everything and very understanding and explains everything very clearly. Well, unfortunately there doesn't seem to be enough fluid to register on the ultrasound but that doesn't mean there isn't anything in there. She also stated that my cervix still looks very long which is fantastic for this situation. They do not do cervical checks for fear of stimulating spontaneous cramps and labor. She also stated that being my water broke at 20 weeks my son was in the "gray zone" for lung development but being that he was a little over 400 grams at 20 weeks that is very hopeful that maybe his lungs were also a little more developed than average. She also told me that at 24 weeks so 2 weeks from now they will admit me for the duration of my pregnancy so that they can monitor me more closely because he will be deemed viable. She also said that they would like they baby to be 500 grams at 24 weeks and with how he's looking... "that won't be a problem". So that's my silver lining I think. That his father is 6'9 and 280 so maybe that's in his benefit. So I'm still hopeful. I'm still praying hard that God will protect me and my son and give me strength enough to be strong in faith for him and the courage to do right by him.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:10,13.
I will update ya'll when I know something else. Thank you again for your prayers and words of support. I hope they continue to come.

Jan 10th, 2010
I started having contractions which started at night only and lasting only for a few hours then subsiding, but they are getting stronger and longer as the days progress. I have a doctors appointment scheduled in the next couple days to have another ultrasound, but he's been kicking away in there still.

Jan 12th, 2010
Nothing exciting this day except a doctors appointment to confirm that nothing has changed and that they would send me home still on bedrest and wait until the 20th when they would admit me for the duration of my pregnancy.

Jan 16th, 2010
I got up to go to the bathroom in the evening this night and felt a strange pressure sensation on my cervix, and advised my family that I needed to go to the hospital for fear that a foot would be hanging out of my cervix. I had heard horror stories of such events, but didn't really believe that's what this was. Low and behold when the doctor in training decided to exam my cervix the words "OH! There's a foot, we've got a baby foot!" echoed into the darkness. There then proceeded to be a whirlwind of doctors, nurses, pedicatric doctors that flooded into my hospital room. They advised me that since he was breech only a C-section was available to any chance of survival but because he was only 23 weeks they would have to do it classic style(the old school up and down method) and began to drill me on questions that I barely remember now, but telling me that they guessed he was 450 grams and that was unsurvivable but they would try if I wanted that. I said I wanted everything done. My perinatologist finally came into the room and told me that she would like to try and push his foot back up into my undilated cervix to give him some more time before they tried the c-section. Believing that this was what was best for my son, I agreed. That was the most painful thing I had ever experinced and without pain meds, but it was successful... or so we thought. They then placed a catheter because they didn't want me to get up at all for anything. I started having really severe contractions throughout the night and advised my nurse several times and was given medications that unsuccessfully stopped the contractions. I asked her several times to just check my cervix because I couldn't tell if his foot was back out or not now because of the catheter and she advised that the doctor did not want to stimulate anything by manually checking it. I just struggled to sleep this night but I could feel him moving which was comforting.

Jan 17th, 2010
They came in and drew blood this morning and nothing felt different other than I was still having contractions. When my nurse came in to check for the heartbeat before she got off shift she was unable to find one with the dopplar, but I wasn't to worried because this wasn't out of the ordinary with my very active son and the fact that he was sitting very low. When the same doctor in training came in with the portable ultrasound machine to check for it again the words out his mouth "I've very sorry ma'am... there seems to be no heartbeat" echoed into the darkness. I can't remember much of how I responded. I think I just blankly stared at the screen of the ultrasound machine thinking that it wasn't real. Everyone quietly left the room to be alone with my family and my nurse, while waiting for my perinatologist to come in and check me. Upon her inspection she said that he was all the way in my birth canal and told me to push. With ONE push he came right out and the doctors response was "oh my, he's BIG". Nice, right? They tell me that he's too small to survive so they push him back into my womb when he was big enough to have maybe survived on his own? My son Preston Adam Brown was born into the arms of the Lord at 0815. The only the doctor, my nurse, my mother, and me where in the room. It was a heartbreaking silence when he entered the world. He had been delivering himself all night with the contractions, and no one would check me... the act of the contractions had either broken his neck or suffocated him and I knew something wasn't right. That was what still haunts me to this day. My mother cut his cord and they let me hold him right away. My family all gathered around and we got lots of pictures of him and he was OVER 500 grams! Everyone except my son's father wanted to hold him. My son's father would only look at him. He was bapitzed with all my family there as witness and I got to spend several hours with my son. He was perfect in every sense of the word. When they took him away for the last time, I kissed him on his forhead and whispered "I'll see you again soon, baby." The nurse promised me she would take good care of him until the funeral home came to get him, and she was going to make some impressions in plaster for me. At that point I didn't care what she was going to do, she didn't tell me that he was going to be here, so nothing else mattered. For the rest of the day I was trying to pass my placenta and ended almost bleeding to death by losing over 1500 cc of blood trying to pass it without having a D&C. I finally passed it at 1700 literally about 2 mins before they wheeled me down the hall for the surgery. They finally gave me some pain meds and I slept the rest of the night.

Jan 18th, 2010
My night nurse woke me up early before she left for her shift to show me the plaster molds she was working so hard on. When I first saw them, I immediatly knew that God had sent this woman to me as a gift or maybe as an angel but these molds that would last forever were amazing! Not only did I get the hands and feet but she made a very special mold just for me that everyone on the floor came in to see throughout the day. Be sure you look in my pictures to see it. I left the hospital this day, very anemic, and heartbroken. Nothing feels like leaving the maternity wing of a hospital after giving birth, but being empty armed. I wheeled my little cart full of flowers and my molds and all my gifts including the clothes Preston was wearing and my trinkets. When I got home we started making the funeral arrangement right away, my mother making most of the decision being that I think I stared blankly at the wall for 2 days.

That is all I'm going to write for now. Trust me, that was hard enough to recap and several tears have been shed just in writing this. I will write more soon, and recall how my faith has changed since all this, how people have changed towards me, how things have been going, and well formally introduce myself with telling how I got to where I am now.

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again." Psalm 71:20-21

God Bless You,
Ashley