The Power of a Dream

I had the most amazing dream last night. First, before I get ahead of myself like I normally do, let me tell you about what happened before this dream. This week has just seemed to be extra tough for me. There is no significance as to why, but then again does there need to be? Just lots of tears and sad moments. More moments this week than in the previous weeks where I just want to give up either because the pain is to much, or it seems that everyone is moving on and leaving me behind and I'm stuck right here. That I have to much stress in my life that if feels like I can't breathe and I just end up shutting down and sleeping for several days at a time, ignoring everyone. I have a couple very close friends, that have been by my side through all kinds of trials throughout my life, and it seems that all three of them have told me in some way or another that they are moving on in life. One got married on Saturday, one is moving to florida in May (which is my due date month), and one is finally taking steps to making herself happy by getting a new place, new car and planning a trip to Italy. I'm happy for all of them, but disappointed at the same time, especailly with friend number three. We've been friends for 17 years now, and for most of those years we've pretty much been in step with each other, meaning when we're on the upswing of life it's usually together, and the downswing of life is the same. I didn't figure that she would move forward in life and leave me here... but I want her to be happy so I don't say anything. I just comes across as I don't care, or that I'm being distant. I just don't want her to see that I'm not happy now that she's finally happy. Oh, and I missed church on Sunday. Two weeks is a long time to go without being able to have my burdens lifted in church. So like I said all in all a long, sad week.

Back to my dream. Usually, when I am ready to go to sleep I start praying. I take my personal time where I just lay there and talk to the Lord, telling him about all the things that I need help with, all the things that I've seen him help me with, all the workings He's done in my life. I never get to the "Amen" part of the prayer because He lifts my spirits so much that I relax and drift off into dream before I finish. Such was the same last night, only I was asking him about how my son was doing, and what it was going to be like when I finally get there to them both. What will I feel? What will he look like? Will my son be like I remember him or will he be older? What will I have missed out on with him? Things like that.

Then all of a sudden I'm this bright light, but it's not blinding and it doesn't hurt your eyes like the sun... it's warm. I feel this tingling sensation on my skin, like when your limb starts to get the blood flow back after being asleep. It made me feel this almost giddy happiness with my whole body tingling. There is a gentle breeze that blows a strand of my hair across my face. I reach to pull it away and realize that I can't see anything but white and I don't know where I am. But I don't feel panic or any urgency to run. Instead I just spread my arms out wide, close my eyes, and start to praise God by singing "Shout To The Lord" which is one of my favorite songs. "My Jesus, My Savior, Lord there is none like you..." I can hear sounds around me, sounds like water moving, and the breeze, and feel the warmth of my skin. There is a loud crack, like thunder, or timber breaking but I'm not scared and instead just start to sing louder and then I feel someone take my hand. "My comfort, my shelter, tower of refuge and strength. Let every breath, all that I am never cease to worship you..." Everything becomes quiet and I stop singing and slowly begin to open my eyes, only to gasp at the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen. I was standing on a hill in a world covered in lush green and crystal blue sky and I instantly felt peace. I tried to remember what I was worrying about before I was in this place and my mind would not go there, I couldn't remember. I look down at my hand and it's empty, no hand in my hand, but I could feel it.





Then I felt a presence behind me, on this hill, that didn't say anything but I knew they were there. I was filled with this sense of love and humility that I can't even describe with words, it was a happiness that I have never felt before EVER. I slowly start to turn around and see that same bright light I was standing in before and I knew right then and there where I was. I swallowed hard, clasp my hands together and slowly lowered myself to my knees. Out of the light emerged two very rough, but perfect hands. I stared at these hands in silence for a moment, taking it all in... trying to memorize these perfect hands obviously filled with love and still seeming to be covered with wounds of battle. I placed my hands into these hands and raised myself from the ground. Standing in the presence of this light, the light of the world, I felt...home.

That's when I hear it... the sound I've been longing to hear more than anything else in the world. I hear him crying, my son. I slowly walk over to this beautiful white bassinet placed in the shade of a big tree, as if waiting for me. Next to the crib I can see my dog, Kuma, laying in the shade too napping. I knew he was there to watch over Preston for me, as if he needed it. As I approached Kuma heard my footsteps and rolled over to get up. I started laughing instantly when he got up onto all fours. My once paralyzed dog was standing in front of me, excited I was home. There was no fear of what I'd see looking into the basket, no nervousness, no sadness... just excitement and unconditional love. As I peer into the bassinet, there he was, wrapped up in a little blue blanket. He stops crying instantly and stares at me with the most beautiful big blue eyes and begins giggling. I always knew he'd have my eyes. Blue as the sky.(I never got to see them here). He looked PERFECT. I picked him up out of the basket as gently and carefully as I could, and held him up to my chest. I could feel him, full of life and warmth against my chest as he reaches up and takes hold of a strand of my hair. I start slow dancing with my son and start humming "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" just like I always thought I would, like I dreamed I would when I first found out about him. When I had all these hopes and dreams of what we would do together as mother and son, before my world fell apart. I was in Heaven. With my son, my dog, the most beautiful place I could have ever imagined, and there in the light of the Lord, it was Heaven.

That's when I woke up to my dog whining, needing to be squeezed, and the sun blinding me through the window, no son, in the silence of the morning. I felt refreshed still. I know God exists, I know Heaven exists, and Preston is waiting for me there, with Him. How could I think of missing out on that? Missing out on dancing in the shade of the big Oak tree with him, with the cool breeze blowing and Kuma there forever. Praise you Jesus! God is good. I can't wait until that day! Until then, God blessed me with this little taste of what is waiting if I only trust in him and praise him with everything I do. Just this taste to get me through the tough times. I will hang on to this dream for a long time and will wait for that...
Oh the power of a dream huh?


Forever In His Hands,
Ashley

A Night At The Movies

Hey Ya'll,
Just thought I'd write a quick something before I go to work tonight. I just realized something last night when I went to the theater and watched "Remember Me" which has a pretty sweet twist at the end that I didn't see coming at all! SPOILER ALERT!!!! I can't believe it's been almost 10 years since 9-11. I remember being in high school in my second period US History class (ironic I know) when they turned the TV's on and we watched the news. Seems like just yesterday but it's been almost a decade. Next September. I wonder what they are going to do for a 10 year rememberance of all the lives that were lost that day? I can't believe we've been fight a war, in my opinion we should have stopped fighting a long time ago, for almost 10 years! I just feel so old now! I can see how people feel when they talk about the history they lived through. How nostalgic they get about the "well, back in my day...". I have to admit, I do that sometimes now, that's how you know you're getting older. I recommend this movie to everyone. Its a little slow going at first, but it gets pretty good by the end.

On a side note, I went to my doctor this afternoon, and she agreed that I needed to be put on some medications, even if it's just for a little while. So I'm gettin Zoloft. I'm starting on a very small dose, but we'll see how it goes. I'll keep you all updated. Well, I better get going to work tonight...should be interesting. See ya soon!

In His Hands,
Ashley

I'm Here With You

I can not believe the burdens the soul is capable of enduring, and still manages to crawl out of the darkness into the light towards nothing more than a whisper saying "I'm here with you". That it can be tortured, beaten, bruised, broken, left for dead... and you still carry on. I seriously use to be one of those women who thought less of the women who were struggling enough with their emotions that they needed medication for help. I thought of them as weak, I'm not going to lie. I figured that they should just be able to move on in their life from whatever the problem was. Hello reality check! I can't believe how ignorant I was. I'm so sorry to anyone who I was less than respectful or accepting towards for this. The stress has gotten to be so much for me to handle that I am going on monday to get put on some medications. You know that point you get to when you start to actually believe that it would be so much easier if you were no longer in your earthly body? If you say no, and you're here having gone through what I've gone through, then I would call you a liar. If I wasn't such a strong willed person that TRULY believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wouldn't get into heaven if I committed suicide... I'd probably be gone a long time ago. I can honestly say that I'm scared of going to hell, of being seperated from the Lord for ETERNITY. More than that, I'm scared that I'd never get to really meet Preston, never get to hold him, or kiss him, or be with him forever. No way, I'd never risk that. He's my whispering voice saying "I'm here with you" as I'm trying to claw my way out. When I come home from a job where I work with people who have what I could not and they treat them like trash, abuse them, molest them, and neglect them and they don't care, to all the stress I have at home waiting for me. To my 2 bedroom apartment that I live in with my sister and grandfather who has terminal lung cancer who I care for. To find that the apartment I was forced to move into because I couldn't afford my rent as a single mom when I went on bedrest for 2 months fighting to save Preston that put my world into complete disarray and now having no personal space. To my recently handicapped dog that has had an accident in my room and being that he can't use his back legs has drug feces all across the floor and is covered in it. To finding my sister forgot to change our grandfather before she left the apartment and now he has had an accident so big that the recliner chair is soaked and there is diarrhea involved. To being exhausted from work, feet hurting, mentally drained, and then having to come home, squeeze the dog (literally... he can't urinate on his own anymore), feed him, change and clean up my grandfather, feed him, give him his pills, get everything set up next to where he sits/lays so that I can FINALLY lay down and try and go to sleep. To having LOTS of people around when I was laid up in bed for months, but as soon as I'm able to go back to work (which I did way to soon) are hard to find. To no one wanting to speak his name anymore. To still not forgiving myself, as hard as I'm trying, for thinking its somehow my fault. To just wanting to give up... and then hearing my little man saying "I'm here with you". So I get up, go to the house of my Lord, and give it all up. To be able to breathe again with the burdens lifted. He takes it... He takes ALL of it. Every emotion I've got, without hesitation, He'll take it from me. There I get to just be the me that I really am, the weak, sad, angry, hopless, empty armed mother. I don't have to pretend to be strong, or funny, or ok. I can't say that I always feel empowered, cause sometimes that's just to big. I can say that I always feel... soothed. Like cool water over a burning wound. Where would I be without you? I LOVE the Lord! I'm so glad tomorrow is my day... it's been a rough week if you can't tell. Thankfully, thoughts of Preston playing with all his friends, laughing like children do, being the silly little man I know he is have eased my mind. I know he's waiting for me, that he hears me when I sing to him, and he knows it's not time just yet. How could I not praise the one who chose me to be his mother? He's changed my life...no, he's saved my life.

In His Hands,
Ashley

My Baby Blue

Hey Ya'll,
Just thought I'd post the lyrics to "My Baby Blue" by Dave Matthews Band which I think is an amazing song for mothers to stillborn sons. I listen to this song many times throughout the day and in some strange way... it helps me. Hope you like it.

My Baby Blue:

Confess, your kiss still knocks me off my legs.
The first time I saw you was like a punch right through my chest
and I will forever, ‘cause you’ll forever be
my one true broken heart, pieces inside of me
and you’ll forever, my baby be.

You will rest your head, your strength once saving.
And when you wake you will fly away,
holding tight to the legs of all your angels.
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,
your blue, blue world, you're my baby blue.

Confess I'm not quite ready to be left.
Still, I know I gave my level best.
You give, you give, to this I can attest
You made me, you made me.
You and me forever, baby.

You will rest your head, your strength once saving.
And when you wake you will fly away,
holding tight to the legs of all your angels.
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,
in your blue, blue world, you and me forever.

You will rest your head, your strength once saving.
And when you wake you will fly away,
holding tight to the legs of all your angels.
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,
in your blue, blue world, you and me forever.


In His Hands,
Ashley

Faith Is...

Here is a little thing that I found about faith that I thought I'd share. I really like this and hope you all do too.

Faith

Faith is dead to doubts—
dumb to discouragements,
blind to impossibilities,
knows nothing but success.
Faith lifts its hand up through
the threatening clouds,
lays hold of Him who has
all power in heaven and on earth.
Faith makes the uplook good,
the outlook bright,
the inlook favorable,
and the future glorious.



In His Hands,
Ashley

Praise You In This Storm

I'm sitting here listening to "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns(which I suggest everyone check out), thinking about my life these days. How much my life has changed even in the last couple years, and more profoundly these last few months. Lots of big changes and lots of epiphanies, finding myself all over again. All the things I thought I knew... well, I was wrong. How I'm learning that I need to praise God even during the storm, however cliche that sounds. Psalm 57:1 "Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in thee my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of thy wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by."
When I think back to when I was 15 and what I thought my life would be like now, 10 years later... this is NOT what I thought it would be like. I thought I'd be married, have kids, have a degree, be successful in both my professional career and my home, which I would own one, and just be genuinely happy. What a plan God had in store for me huh? How much would of it would I have done differently had I known what it would be like now? Guess I can't say because I don't know where I'm heading yet. I have to believe that it's all for some devine purpose that I just can't understand yet. That's the only way I get through most days. I can't believe that I was meant to be alone my whole life, never married, my only child is in Heaven, living with my terminally ill grandfather to care for him, no degree, not really successful by any of my standards, working every day just to get by. This is my storm...and its still raining.



Church yesterday was amazing and totally inspiring as usual. I love how that no matter what problems arise for me during the week, they always seem to be addressed by The Almighty on my favorite day of the week... church day. What's an example, Ashley? One might ask. Well for instance when I pray I usually ask God to send me someone, a man who tries to walk in His ways, that wants the same things in life that I do. That I'm tired of being lonely, and having to go through the things that I go through alone. Don't I deserve that someone to fulfill the desires I have for a future and a family? To this day... that prayer is still unanswered, but just yesterday my minister (who I swear was looking right at me when he said this) told the congregation that once you get right with the one that really matters, walk in His light and live the life He wants you to live... He'll bring you the one you're supposed to be with. Crazy huh? That this particular subject has been weighing on my mind this week and this is how it gets addressed. I guess that means I need to stop worrying about it, focus on me and the things I need to do to heal and move forward in my spiritual growth and the things I want in life and He'll bring him to me...
God is GOOD. God IS good.

Father give me the strength to get through today, and the courage to try again tomorrow.

In His Hands,
Ashley

Dear Preston

My Darling Baby Boy,
Today was another rough day without you. I think that for the rest of my life I'll always hate the 17th, doesn't matter what month but the number 17 is forever imprinted into my very soul and with that number comes the most immense pain I've ever had to endure. Not physical pain, but the emotional kind that just rips the soul away from the body. It exhausts me just thinking about how it's going to be for the rest of my life. Even a few days before and after the 17th are still painful, but that 17th is like s pin prick right through the heart. I'll never enjoy St. Patrick's Day. I started my morning, the way I always do... with my inspirational singing and dancing in the shower. I sing to you there... every day. I sing to myself and to the Lord I suppose too, but its mostly for you cause I know in some distant place, wherever you're playing that you stop and listen. Oh how music uplifts my soul in even the darkest of moods. I'm positive that the Lord had me in mind when he created music.... good music, God praising music. When I feel all alone, or like I can't go on... when I'm begging God to take me from this place, take me to wherever you are because I don't want to be here if you're not here... he gives me music. Music and church. Here's the thing I'm learning about our Father...once you're in tune with him, He WILL NOT be ignored when he's trying to tell you something. After I got done with my shower I sat down at my computer to read my verse of the day. It was 2 Samuel 22:17-20: "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me." I read through it a couple times and thought to my self 'yeah, right'. Where is he now then? I'm DROWNING in my deep waters, satan has a tight grip on my ankle pulling me down and no matter how hard i fight or kick or swim I keep on drowning. So I shut off the computer and went to work, and on the drive in I had a conversation with the Lord expressing my discontent with my current situations and that I needed a hand out of the darkness. I assumed I was done with the conversation when I arrived at my destination (the jail) and went on about my way. I then learned very early on in the night that the Lord was not done speaking to me. First example was when I was doing our medication pass and I had to take meds to a particular inmate and when I asked them what they were reading in the Bible they told me they were reading "2nd Samuel". Hmmmmm? Ok, a little ironic but not creepy. Then I had a conversation with a woman with who began to ask me about the church I attended and said she was looking to find a church to attend since she was new in town and noramlly people don't approach me about going to church and here was a big kicker... I was standing in the grocery market after I got off work when I was approached by a man that I had taken a class with last year and hadn't seen since then and his name was Preston. We caught up on our lives and I told him about my recent catastrophic lost and how I have been seeking the Lord for comfort ever since. He then began to tell me about his life... things that i did not know. Not only did I learn that he was adopted when he was a child but that the woman that adopted him not only brought his biological mother to Jesus when she was pregnant and comtemplating abortion being so young and single but supported a healthy relationship with her his entire life. He owed his whole life to this woman who loved the Lord with her whole being and now because of her he feels like he has two very healthy, happy, successful mothers.

Ok... I get it, I get it! My work here isn't done. Maybe I just have to sink a little deeper to the bottom so that I can use the rock to push myself back up toward the surface to breathe again. I can't wait for church tomorrow night... ugh, I so need to be home again. Well baby, I need to get some rest now so please come play with me in my dreams cause I'll be waiting there for you like I always do. I love you more than the word love can do justice and I miss you more than anyone could imagine.

I'll be seeing you soon,
Mommy