The Power of a Dream

I had the most amazing dream last night. First, before I get ahead of myself like I normally do, let me tell you about what happened before this dream. This week has just seemed to be extra tough for me. There is no significance as to why, but then again does there need to be? Just lots of tears and sad moments. More moments this week than in the previous weeks where I just want to give up either because the pain is to much, or it seems that everyone is moving on and leaving me behind and I'm stuck right here. That I have to much stress in my life that if feels like I can't breathe and I just end up shutting down and sleeping for several days at a time, ignoring everyone. I have a couple very close friends, that have been by my side through all kinds of trials throughout my life, and it seems that all three of them have told me in some way or another that they are moving on in life. One got married on Saturday, one is moving to florida in May (which is my due date month), and one is finally taking steps to making herself happy by getting a new place, new car and planning a trip to Italy. I'm happy for all of them, but disappointed at the same time, especailly with friend number three. We've been friends for 17 years now, and for most of those years we've pretty much been in step with each other, meaning when we're on the upswing of life it's usually together, and the downswing of life is the same. I didn't figure that she would move forward in life and leave me here... but I want her to be happy so I don't say anything. I just comes across as I don't care, or that I'm being distant. I just don't want her to see that I'm not happy now that she's finally happy. Oh, and I missed church on Sunday. Two weeks is a long time to go without being able to have my burdens lifted in church. So like I said all in all a long, sad week.

Back to my dream. Usually, when I am ready to go to sleep I start praying. I take my personal time where I just lay there and talk to the Lord, telling him about all the things that I need help with, all the things that I've seen him help me with, all the workings He's done in my life. I never get to the "Amen" part of the prayer because He lifts my spirits so much that I relax and drift off into dream before I finish. Such was the same last night, only I was asking him about how my son was doing, and what it was going to be like when I finally get there to them both. What will I feel? What will he look like? Will my son be like I remember him or will he be older? What will I have missed out on with him? Things like that.

Then all of a sudden I'm this bright light, but it's not blinding and it doesn't hurt your eyes like the sun... it's warm. I feel this tingling sensation on my skin, like when your limb starts to get the blood flow back after being asleep. It made me feel this almost giddy happiness with my whole body tingling. There is a gentle breeze that blows a strand of my hair across my face. I reach to pull it away and realize that I can't see anything but white and I don't know where I am. But I don't feel panic or any urgency to run. Instead I just spread my arms out wide, close my eyes, and start to praise God by singing "Shout To The Lord" which is one of my favorite songs. "My Jesus, My Savior, Lord there is none like you..." I can hear sounds around me, sounds like water moving, and the breeze, and feel the warmth of my skin. There is a loud crack, like thunder, or timber breaking but I'm not scared and instead just start to sing louder and then I feel someone take my hand. "My comfort, my shelter, tower of refuge and strength. Let every breath, all that I am never cease to worship you..." Everything becomes quiet and I stop singing and slowly begin to open my eyes, only to gasp at the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen. I was standing on a hill in a world covered in lush green and crystal blue sky and I instantly felt peace. I tried to remember what I was worrying about before I was in this place and my mind would not go there, I couldn't remember. I look down at my hand and it's empty, no hand in my hand, but I could feel it.





Then I felt a presence behind me, on this hill, that didn't say anything but I knew they were there. I was filled with this sense of love and humility that I can't even describe with words, it was a happiness that I have never felt before EVER. I slowly start to turn around and see that same bright light I was standing in before and I knew right then and there where I was. I swallowed hard, clasp my hands together and slowly lowered myself to my knees. Out of the light emerged two very rough, but perfect hands. I stared at these hands in silence for a moment, taking it all in... trying to memorize these perfect hands obviously filled with love and still seeming to be covered with wounds of battle. I placed my hands into these hands and raised myself from the ground. Standing in the presence of this light, the light of the world, I felt...home.

That's when I hear it... the sound I've been longing to hear more than anything else in the world. I hear him crying, my son. I slowly walk over to this beautiful white bassinet placed in the shade of a big tree, as if waiting for me. Next to the crib I can see my dog, Kuma, laying in the shade too napping. I knew he was there to watch over Preston for me, as if he needed it. As I approached Kuma heard my footsteps and rolled over to get up. I started laughing instantly when he got up onto all fours. My once paralyzed dog was standing in front of me, excited I was home. There was no fear of what I'd see looking into the basket, no nervousness, no sadness... just excitement and unconditional love. As I peer into the bassinet, there he was, wrapped up in a little blue blanket. He stops crying instantly and stares at me with the most beautiful big blue eyes and begins giggling. I always knew he'd have my eyes. Blue as the sky.(I never got to see them here). He looked PERFECT. I picked him up out of the basket as gently and carefully as I could, and held him up to my chest. I could feel him, full of life and warmth against my chest as he reaches up and takes hold of a strand of my hair. I start slow dancing with my son and start humming "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" just like I always thought I would, like I dreamed I would when I first found out about him. When I had all these hopes and dreams of what we would do together as mother and son, before my world fell apart. I was in Heaven. With my son, my dog, the most beautiful place I could have ever imagined, and there in the light of the Lord, it was Heaven.

That's when I woke up to my dog whining, needing to be squeezed, and the sun blinding me through the window, no son, in the silence of the morning. I felt refreshed still. I know God exists, I know Heaven exists, and Preston is waiting for me there, with Him. How could I think of missing out on that? Missing out on dancing in the shade of the big Oak tree with him, with the cool breeze blowing and Kuma there forever. Praise you Jesus! God is good. I can't wait until that day! Until then, God blessed me with this little taste of what is waiting if I only trust in him and praise him with everything I do. Just this taste to get me through the tough times. I will hang on to this dream for a long time and will wait for that...
Oh the power of a dream huh?


Forever In His Hands,
Ashley